


Brave

by sunnyangel (orphan_account)



Series: it was my first love [8]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Drama, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Open Ending, Slice of Life, Smoking, Soulmate Bond, Soulmates, cursing, irene taeyong siblings, this one was so hard to write pls read it, time skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25648216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sunnyangel
Summary: Sighing, he glanced at the word written across his skin in a straight cursive. Solace. Comfort, support, relief. They say the word embedded onto your skin is what your soulmate mean the most to you, but even after the years quickly passing by, Taeyong still cannot seem to see why Jaehyun is supposed to be his sanctuary. His solace.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Kim Chungha/Lee Taeyong
Series: it was my first love [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1821496
Comments: 10
Kudos: 86





	Brave

**Author's Note:**

> this was an unfinished fic from my other fandom but i decided to turn it into jaeyong and finish it since it fits them well too. enjoy!

For the longest time, Taeyong has always hated his skin. Particularly the word inked permanently on the inside of his right arm.

_Solace_.

Ever since he was young, the idea of soulmates had already been ingrained to his mind. To him, the idea of being permanently tied down to a person sounded wrong, but perhaps it would have been more comforting if it weren’t for the fact that he had to be with a person of the opposite sex. Despite the society already being widely accepting of the same sex couples, Taeyong’s family had always been very strict and traditional with their rules. They have always valued the integrity of their image, and although most will not bat an eyelash when something scandalous occurs, he is quite sure the inner circle his family is related with will show shame and disgust towards them. To him, though, the idea of being with a man made much more sense than living a life with a woman, but the thought of admitting the idea out loud scared him to the point of silence. How would his father react? What would his mother do? What will his sister say to him?

Hence, when Taeyong found out of his soulmate, at the young age of 10 years old, he began to hate the concept of soulmates even more so than he already does.

Jung Jaehyun is a young boy almost of his age, with shaggy brown hair and strikingly light brown like eyes that reminded Taeyong of honey. The boy, just like him, also came from a family of wealth and old money, but unlike them, the Jung’s seem to be more open with the idea of same sex couples.

It must have been a sham, the Lee’s thought of at first. There was no way their youngest would be involved with a _boy_ , but they also knew the law of nature cannot be fought off by mere beliefs and traditions that lasted for centuries. Jaehyun and Taeyong are soulmates bonded for all eternity. It is what it is.

“It’s _wrong,_ ” Taeyong tells Joohyun, his older sister, through tears. They stayed inside a private room after the small commotion with the Jung’s happened. “He’s a boy!”

“I know, I know,” Joohyun shushed him, gently wiping away the tears rolling down his cheeks. Both their parents stood behind them. “But you have to understand, Taeyong. He _is_ your soulmate. Whether you like it or not, you have to be with him from now on.”

Taeyong wanted to protest. Why does he have to settle for someone he barely even knows? Even at such a young age, he already bore so much hatred at the idea of soulmates. Still, meeting Jaehyun for the very first time ignited a fire from within him. They will always be connected.

“Why can’t I be like you?” Taeyong sobbed. “I wish I don’t have a mark like you!”

Joohyun gently shook her head at her little brother. “You don’t mean that _,_ ” she says. “You wouldn’t want that.”

Yet, he would be willing to take up any opportunity so long as he would be born without a soulmate mark, just like his sister.

Sighing, he glanced at the word written across his skin in a straight cursive. Solace. Comfort, support, relief. They say the word embedded onto your skin is what your soulmate mean the most to you, but even after the years quickly passing by, Taeyong still cannot seem to see why Jaehyun is supposed to be his sanctuary. His solace.

Quietly, he dropped his arm and stared at himself in the mirror. His appearance had changed drastically over the course of four long years. His hair, which once was in a clean cut, now hung past his ears and touching his cheeks. A few strands of hair fell right in front of his eyes, making it a bit more difficult to see. His father had already scolded him multiple times to have his hair cut short again, but he refused. He likes it this way. It frames his face the way he wants it to be framed.

His school certainly does not allow it, but their attempts at trying to make him “presentable” only fell on dead ears, unfortunately. He knows they wouldn’t be able to force him to change his looks, anyway. His family is too influential for him to be controlled by other people, and even the higher ups of such a prestigious private school is no match for his father’s words. It may seem unethical, but Taeyong’s lived long enough to see how the wealthy moves. It is not something he’s wholly proud of, but it is, at the end of the day, his normal.

“Are you alright?”

Taeyong spares a quick glance towards his sister sitting quietly beside him. The sleek, black sedan they use as their own service for school drove along the almost empty highway leading to their school’s buildings, the engine’s hum was low enough for the insides to be filled with an eerily deafening silence.

“I’m fine,” he answers timidly before going back to staring at the passing scenery outside. The necktie wrapped around his neck suddenly felt almost too suffocating. He hears Joohyun letting out a sigh, and shifts uncomfortably on his seat. “I’m just tired,” he says after a few moments of silence. “I haven’t been able to sleep well these past few days.”

“Is something bothering you?”

Taeyong’s gaze flitted over their driver. The old man remained quiet. He shakes his head. “No…” he trails off, although the answer had always been evident. Something is always bothering him.

“Is it about Jaehyun?”

He clenched his jaw repeatedly, his eyes still glued outside. Even after just hearing Jaehyun’s name can damper his whole mood.

“Taeyong,” Joohyun called again. Taeyong tore his gaze away from the window and glanced at her, an eyebrow raised. Joohyun sighed and slowly shakes her head at him. “You still dislike him? It’s been years.”

“I don’t dislike him,” he answered. “I just simply do not see the need to be close with him all the time.”

“It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with him…”

“But I don’t want to,” Taeyong sighed, his shoulders tensed, voice eager to drop the subject. “I don’t want to be friends with him, Joohyun.”

“Why?”

“Do I need a reason for that?” He snapped.

Joohyun’s forehead creased, not liking her brother’s tone. Taeyong noticed her reaction and quickly dropped his gaze onto his lap, muttering a quiet apology. The car slowed down as it approached the main entrance of their school.

“You know Mama would want you to be kind to him.” Joohyun gently tells him. Taeyong turns back to her, his eyes mirroring hers perfectly. Worried and a bit empty. She tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ear.

“I know,” Taeyong answered rather quickly. “But that doesn’t mean I still have to befriend him.”

“At least try—“

“Will you drop it already? _Please_?”

The black sedan finally came into a halt. Taeyong quickly grabbed the strap of his backpack before pushing the car door open, not bothering to take another glance at his older sister. He feels guilty for acting rude towards her, but he also hates it when people force him to get closer to Jung Jaehyun. 

Hurriedly, he made his way inside the main building, completely leaving even before Joohyun got to step outside of their car. A few upperclassmen stared at him. They always do.

“What’s up with your face?” Jungwoo asked upon seeing him, his face in a usual scowl. Doyoung elbowed him sideways.

“Fuck off, Kim,” Taeyong grumbled under his breath and gently pushes him away to reach his locker. His almost empty backpack hung limply against his right shoulder. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Doyoung worriedly asked. Taeyong casted a glance at him and noticed him wearing an incomplete uniform, his blazer missing. “Were you scolded by your father again?”

Taeyong shakes his head before pulling his locker open with a creak. “No,” he says.

“Was it about Jung?” Jungwoo asked rather too loudly.

Taeyong glared at him sideways. “Shut up,” he said through gritted teeth. “People might hear you.”

“Too late, though,” Doyoung commented, nodding his head towards Taeyong’s back. “Jaehyun’s looking at us. Hey, Jaehyun!”

Taeyong watched as both Doyoung and Jungwoo waved at someone from behind him. He didn’t even have to look to see who it is. He already knows.

Jaehyun, who stood at the other side of the hall with his friends, flashed them a bright smile.

“You know, I really don’t get it,” Doyoung turns his gaze back towards Taeyong, his forehead creasing. “He’s your soulmate, but you two rarely talk to each other.”

“I don’t like him,” Taeyong muttered under his breath, wincing slightly when he remembers what he told Joohyun earlier. _I don’t dislike him._

Jungwoo rolled his eyes at him, crossing his arms over his chest in the process. The first three buttons of his polo shirt were opened, his necktie also missing. “You don’t have to like your soulmate to be able to spend time with them,” he says a matter of factly. “You’re bonded for life, man. You can’t ignore him forever.”

Taeyong shuts his locker rather harshly, making Doyoung wince at the sound. “I’m not ignoring him. We talk sometimes.”

“I wouldn’t call that talking…” Doyoung trails off, sounding unsure with his choice of words. Taeyong lets out a sigh.

“Can we not talk about him, please? I already got an earful from my sister. I hate it when you guys always press on the matter, too.”

“Sorry, Taeyong, but we’re just worried for you,” Doyoung places a hand on his shoulder. “Your hatred for him might backfire in the future.”

_I don’t care,_ Taeyong thinks. He’ll never grow fond of Jung Jaehyun.

-

“Guess what, guys?”

Taeyong tore his gaze away from the book he’s reading when one of his classmates, Sooyoung, entered their classroom with a smug look on her face. A few of her friends trailed behind her.

“What is it now, Sooyoung?” Johnny asked, shuffling his deck of cards.

“I’m having my birthday party at our place this weekend, and you’re all invited,” she smiled and pulls out a sleek kim envelope from the inside pocket of her coat. “A plus one is recommended.”

A chorus of protests ensued. Taeyong lightly shakes his head and went back to reading his book. He can bring Joohyun with him instead. He’s sure she’ll agree to come with him him, anyway.

“That’s not fair! What if we don’t have a plus one?” Jungwoo protested.

“It’s not required, dummy! But I highly encourage it because there will be dancing involved.”

“So, it’s like a homecoming party?”

“More like a ball. It’s a formal party, so wear something nice, and don’t forget to bring gifts!”

Jungwoo grunted and walked over to Taeyong, twisting a black pen in between his index and middle fingers. “You coming?”

Taeyong’s eyes remained glued onto his book. “Sure,” he says. “Even if I don’t want to, her parents might have notified my father about it already.”

“Ah, right,” Jungwoo said, remembering the Lee‘s ties with Sooyoung’s family. “The Park’s are one of your dad’s biggest stockholders, right?”

Taeyong nods once. He flips onto the next page gently. “Is Doyoung coming as well?” He asks, turning to look at Jungwoo who only shrugged at him.

“I don’t know, but if he’s attending, then I’ll ask him to be my plus one.”

“What about Lucas?”

Jungwoo made a squeaking noise at the back of his throat, his cheeks flushing deep red. “You know we’re not on good terms!” He said. “He’s still mad at me for ditching his grandma’s birthday party.”

“You were the only one absent from those who were invited,” Taeyong closes his book and proceeds to stretch his arms over his head, grunting. “Of course he’s going to be pissed at you.”

Jungwoo starts to scratch the back of his head. “You know I’m not yet ready to meet his family, and he’s not my soulmate. I don’t think officially meeting his family would be great for the both of us.”

Taeyong shrugged apologetically at him. “I personally don’t see a problem with it.”

“Yeah, but they’re probably expecting him to stay single until he finds his soulmate,” Jungwoo sighs before setting down his pen onto Taeyong’s table. “They’re quite strict, you know?”

Taeyong does not answer. Instead, he leans back onto his seat and scans the whole room. It was a good thing they have a free period before lunch today.

“What about you? Who’s going to be your plus one?”

Taeyong turns back to him nonchalantly, detecting something else with the tone of his voice. “Do you want a specific answer from me?”

Jungwoo lets out a nervous laugh. “What do you mean, man?”

Taeyong rolls his eyes at him before standing up from his seat, pulling up his bag with him. Jungwoo’s confused gaze followed him.

“Where are you going?”

“Bathroom.”

“Why are you taking your bag with you?”

“It’s none of your concern.”

Jungwoo shakes his head dismissively. “It’s still class period! You can get in trouble if you leave now.”

Taeyong shrugs at him. “They can try,” he says before walking out of the room.

-

Taeyong hates lab work because of two reasons: (1) it’s a waste of time, and (2) Jung Jaehyun.

He shifts uncomfortably on his seat, the lingering presence beside him becoming too obnoxious for his liking. Instead of focusing and trying to discuss what they should be doing for the dissection activity they have, Taeyong chose to stare at the opposite direction, his eyebrows furrowed in annoyance.

“Taeyong?”

Taeyong winced slightly at Jaehyun’s voice, clenching his jaw repeatedly in an attempt to calm himself. Jaehyun, who sat beside him with his tweezer, waited for his response.

“Taeyong,” he calls again. “We need to start on the disse—“

“I know,” Taeyong snaps and swiftly turns to face him, his face in a scowl. Jaehyun only regarded him with a small smile. “You don’t have to tell me over and over again.”

Jaehyun nodded once and proceeded to poke around the synthetic frog’s organs. Taeyong watched him do the work for a few minutes, his body growing hot in his lab coat and medical gloves. Unlike Jaehyun, who wore a face mask and a pair of lab goggles, he wore none of the protective gears for his face. 

“I think this must be the pancreas,” Jaehyun muttered, poking on a dark green object behind the lungs. Taeyong scrunched up his face in disgust. “The spleen must be around here somewhere. It’s pretty small, I think.”

“Do we really need to memorize all the organs?” Taeyong grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

“It’s a requirement for us to pass,” Jaehyun turns to him and offers his tweezer. “You wanna try? It’s not real, so it won’t be too bad.”

Taeyong vehemently shakes his head. “No, keep that thing away from me.”

Jaehyun shrugs his shoulders before going back to poking around the synthetic frog. Taeyong lets out a huff of breath as he silently watched him do all the work. Jaehyun gently lifted up the intestines to look for the spleen, the sleeve of his coat exposing a small portion of his arm where his mark is written on his wrist.

Taeyong diverts his gaze onto the papers in front of him. In the whole four years he’s known Jaehyun, he has only had the chance to see his soulmate mark thrice. First was during their first meeting, the second time when his family got invited by the Jung’s to dinner, and the third time during another one of the formal events they often attended.

_Fervor._

“By the way,” Jaehyun continues to litter around the synthetic organs. “Are you going to attend Sooyoung’s birthday party?”

Taeyong hummed once, quietly flipping through some of his lectures.

“Do you already have a plus one?”

“Joohyun.” Taeyong answers nonchalantly.

Jaehyun turns to him, “What if she doesn’t attend?”

“She’ll attend.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun turns back to the model, before turning right back to Taeyong. “If she doesn’t, can you be my plus one?”

Taeyong does not miss a beat. “No,” he says rather too quickly. “I don’t want to be your plus one.”

Jaehyun’s face fell for a split second, the small smile disappearing from his lips before he covered it up with a fake cough. Taeyong does not look at him, nor does he say another word.

“Oh,” Jaehyun mutters quietly. “Okay…”

Later that night, during a quiet dinner, Taeyong found himself replaying the scene over and over again, remembering Jaehyun’s dejected face at his refusal. He stared at half full meal in front of him, the sounds of utensils clanging onto silver plates filling the hall. A helper quickly came by his father’s side to refill his glass with ice and water.

“Have the two of you heard about Park Sooyoung’s fifteenth birthday celebration?” Their mother asks to break the tension hanging in the air. Taeyong found the attempt futile, knowing well how the tension that seemed to always radiate from their family has always been there as their fifth member. “We recently received an invitation from her parents, and they would want us to attend. I already had new clothes delivered for the two of you to pick on.”

“I’m not coming,” Joohyun says, her eyes glued onto her plate. Taeyong turns to her rather abruptly, the fork resting in between his fingers almost falling. “I have school works.”

Taeyong turns to his father and sees him staring at his older sister with menace in his eyes. The man had always scared Taeyong to no end, his aura becoming too much of a burden as time went by. With his brooding personality and overbearing need to be in control, Taeyong often finds himself cowering in fear.

“School works?” He asks in a low voice. He turns to look at Taeyong afterwards. “What about you, Taeyong? Do you have any school works as well?”

Taeyong slowly shook his head. “Nothing too important,” he says carefully. “I can manage.”

His father turns back to look at his sister. “Hear that, Joohyun? Your brother can manage. What about you?”

“I’m failing on a few of my subjects. I need to focus on them,” Joohyun meets his eyes. Their mother lets out a dejected sigh, lips pursing into a thin line. “The party can wait.”

“Hm, alright,” their father nodded. “You won’t be attending the party,” he says with finality, “and you are not allowed to leave the house for the rest of your school year as well unless it is strictly only for your studies. Do you understand me?”

No one dared to say another word. Joohyun hung her head down low, quietly playing with the leftover food on her plate.

“I said, do you understand me?”

“ _Darling,_ ” their mother gently calls out to him. “Let’s not do this in front of our food, please.”

Taeyong heaves out a heavy sigh and diverts his attention back onto his food. Another helper came by him to offer dessert, but he politely declined, saying he is already full despite barely eating anything on his plate.

His father turns to him, his eyes curious and calculating. “What about you then, Taeyong? Who will be your plus one?”

A name immediately popped into his mind, the image of a familiar boy with honey like eyes that seemed to glow flashing in front of his eyes in a second. His mother turns to look at him as well.

“Uhm, no one,” he says, swallowing thickly. His father raised an eyebrow at him.

“What about Jaehyun?”

Taeyong bit his lower lip, suddenly growing uncomfortable in his own space. He does not like talking about Jaehyun _at all._

“I don’t know,” he shrugs, keeping his eyes glued onto his plate. “I haven’t talked to him about it.”

His father raised an eyebrow at him, as though sensing his blatant lie. Still, he decided not to push. He’s not fond of the boy just as much as Taeyong hates the idea of being with Jaehyun.

“But you two talk occasionally, right?” His mother’s tone was hopeful. “You have to keep in touch with him, Taeyong.”

“We talk sometimes, during lab works.”

“What about outside of school? Do you text each other, at least?”

Taeyong’s grip on his fork tightened, the veins running along the back of his hand becoming more prominent against his skin. He heard his father sigh in slight annoyance.

“Let it go, darling,” he said. “He clearly does not like talking about the _boy._ ”

“It’s been four years, and they still haven’t gotten anywhere!”

“Mama,” Taeyong drops his utensils. His mother turns to him worriedly, and he had to force out a smile to let her know that it is indeed alright. “Don’t worry about us,” he says. “We’re good, I promise. Everything is completely fine.”

His father grunted at that, not bothering to mask his dislike for the boy anymore. He still cannot seem to wrap his head around the idea that Taeyong’s is eternally connected to someone of the same sex. It made him see Taeyong—his heir, his trophy child—as a _disappointment._

A soulmateless daughter, and a son who is bonded to a man. Both disappointments.

When the weekend rolled around, Taeyong still haven’t decided on whether he should talk to Jaehyun about the party or not. He’s already rejected him, so the idea of suddenly coming up to him to ask him as his plus one seemed too absurd and hypocritical to him. He wouldn’t want to mess with Jaehyun’s feelings further more. He’s already doing too much damage to the both of them, and treating him as a second option would not do any better for their situation.

“Where’s your sister?”

Taeyong turns to look at Doyoung, his gaze bored as he stood among the crowd. Behind Doyoung was Jungwoo.

“She’s not attending.”

“Why?” Jungwoo asks, his necktie hanging loosely around his neck. He wore a black striped suit and a white long sleeved button down shirt underneath.

Taeyong shrugged, not wanting to go into details. He starts to adjust the diamond studded cuff links attached to his dress shirt, its material glinting under the bright lights inside the ballroom.

“Dude, is that Montblanc?” Jungwoo grabs Taeyong’s wrist to look at his cuff links closer. “Aren’t these expensive? These are the new ones, right?”

Doyoung raised an eyebrow at him while he adjusted his belt. “Why is it a big deal to you? They’re just cuff links.”

“Yeah, but they’re the ones with _diamonds_!”

“You’re so stupid, Jungwoo.”

Jungwoo continued to inspect the cuff links. Meanwhile, Taeyong caught a mop of brown hair from the corner of his eye. He turns to his right just as Jaehyun stopped on his tracks. The latter stared at Taeyong’s hand which is still being held by Jungwoo, his eyebrows furrowing for a split second. Taeyong averted his gaze, taking back his hand from Jungwoo’s hold while ignoring the burning sensation at the side of his head.

Doyoung raised an eyebrow when he noticed Jaehyun’s lingering presence from afar. “Jaehyun’s staring at you,” he tells Taeyong.

Taeyong scowled at him. “And?”

“I don’t know, talk to him? He looks like he’s clearly waiting for you to approach him.”

“I’m not going to do that!”

“Why not?” Jungwoo interjected. He spares a glance at Jaehyun and sends him a wave. “He’s your soulmate.”

There it is again. Taeyong clenched his fists at his sides, anger slowly bubbling up from within him. “Just because he’s—“

“Your soulmate does not mean you have to spend time with him,” Jungwoo cuts him off, “yeah, yeah, we know that already, Taeyong, but the boy looks like he genuinely likes you. I don’t see any harm in trying to at least talk to him.”

“Why don’t you try and dance with him?” Doyoung gestured at the dance floor. Taeyong glances at it and sees a few couples already there, dancing along the soft melodies of the classic music being played by the live band. He even saw a few of the elder people enjoying their time as well.

“I don’t think he would want that,” he says, turning back to his friends, “it’s embarrassing.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes at him. “Please, you think of all people, he would be the one to reject an offer from you?”

Taeyong bit his lower lip. In the end, he found himself quietly trailing behind Jaehyun as the two of them walked to the dance floor. There are a few more people now compared to earlier, and everyone’s attention seemed to be focused on Sooyoung who is now dancing with her father in the middle of the crowd. It was a relief for Taeyong, considering how the chances of being noticed are now slimmer. Not that he does not want to be seen dancing with Jaehyun, though. It’s just… weird.

“May I?” Jaehyun offers him a hand, a bright smile starting to form on his lips.

Taeyong stared at him for a few moments before placing his palm on top of his. The two of them were situated at the far end corner of the dance floor, both their presence unseen by others and just enough for Taeyong to feel himself relax for an amount of time.

Jaehyun slowly snakes his arm around Taeyong’s waist. “I hope you don’t mind,” he says carefully. Taeyong only nodded at him before placing his hand on top of his shoulder.

It was quiet for a few minutes, both of them not knowing what to do rather than to stay silent and stare at the glinting marbled floor.

Jaehyun’s hand is warm and calloused, Taeyong noticed, a contrast to his own soft yet frail hand. The contact sent shivers down his spine, an unfamiliar sensation creeping up to his neck and down to his fingertips. Another thing that he noticed is just how much taller Jaehyun is compared to him. Jaehyun has always been taller than him, but only now does he notice just how big he actually got now that he is able to see him up close and personal. His head reached only Jaehyun’s chest, enough for him to hear his heartbeat if he would rest his ear where his heart stood.

“Taeyong?” Jaehyun calls to him softly after a few minutes of silence.

Taeyong glances up to him, meeting his gaze for a split second before he diverted his eyes back onto the floor, his head craned to the side.

“Why don’t you ever look at me in the eye?”

There was a deafening silence that ensued. Silence that Taeyong was too afraid to shatter in fear of cutting himself and bleeding out. It made him scared, made him anxious enough for his toes to grow cold against the corners of his shoes.

Jaehyun lets his eyes remain on Taeyong, eyebrows furrowing in curiosity. The glint in his eyes seemed to have lost their glow.

“Why do you hate me?”

Taeyong turns to him. “I don’t hate you,” he says too quickly, his tone harsh. He lowers his gaze onto Jaehyun’s chest. “I don’t hate you at all.”

“Then, why?”

“Why what?” Taeyong grunted. “Do I need to have a reason for that?”

Jaehyun bites his lower lip and hangs his head low. Silence ensued once again, yet this time, it is cold and harsh. It is ruthless.

“I want… I want to be able to get to know you more,” Jaehyun stammers, “but you seem so far away, you know? It’s like… It’s like, one second, I see you here with me, but then I remember just how far apart we are from each other. I always wanted to reach out to you, but you always made it clear to me that I’m not supposed to know you past the barrier you’ve put up, that I’m only allowed outside the line. They say we’re soulmates, but I can’t seem to understand how we’re both bonded when you always seem so far away…”

Taeyong clenched his jaw, eyes hardening as he continues to stare at Jaehyun’s chest. He lowered his gaze back onto the floor, not knowing how to respond.

“I like you, Taeyong,” Jaehyun says, and there was a hint of desperation laced in his voice. “ _Fuck,_ I always liked you. I always have, and I don’t think I ever will recover.”

“Stop it,” Taeyong finally speaks up. He lifts his head to meet Jaehyun’s eyes for the first time. “You don’t mean that.”

“Taeyong—“

Taeyong removes his hands from Jaehyun before taking a step back. “It’ll pass, Jaehyun,” he says, letting Jaehyun’s name roll of his tongue quickly. “Your feelings will pass.”

Jaehyun shakes his head at him. “I already told myself that.”

“We’re too young—“

“I can wait, _Taeyong_.”

Taeyong’s forehead creased, his palms still burning from Jaehyun’s hold. The idea of Jaehyun waiting for him seemed to absurd to think about, and yet a small hint of hope still flourished from within him. Perhaps, he hoped, if only things were a bit more different than how they are now, then maybe he might have given them a chance.

Because he knows, deep, deep down, buried under his hatred and disappointments, that Jaehyun will always hold a spot in his heart. He has always been there.

Alas, they are not who they hope they are, and their reality is harsher than how they want it to be.

Taeyong slowly shakes his head. He takes another step back, glancing at both of his sides before setting his eyes onto where his father stood at the far side of the room, staring at them indignantly.

That is where Taeyong’s reality starts. A disappointment.

And so, Jaehyun found himself staring at Taeyong’s back once again, watching as the latter’s figure slowly faded away from his line of sight, just as it always does.

This is where his reality starts.

* * *

Taeyong has had his fair share of mistakes.

When he turned 16, he felt as though he became entitled to more freedom in his actions despite knowing the consequences and what they may cause not only for him but also for the people around him. He’s always hated being controlled, hence why the mere idea of being held back by a bond he barely acknowledges only made him more prone to going against the “unwritten rules”. He wanted to prove other people wrong, that there is no harm in wanting to stray away from what they have grown accustomed to, but the more he rebels, the more he finds himself in a situation where it can only break him and Jaehyun.

“What is wrong with you, Taeyong?”

Joohyun grabs his shoulder to stop him from going past her. They stood at the foot of their house’s staircase, both wearing their casual clothes. Taeyong raised an eyebrow at her, forehead creasing at her question.

“What do you mean?”

“Is it true? You agreed to Papa’s plan?”

Taeyong decides to bite his own tongue. Why is there a need for him to answer, anyway? She already knows the truth just by his silence, but she still craves for his word. She wants him to prove her wrong.

“Taeyong, you have a _soulmate_ ,” she says almost too desperately. Taeyong sends her a glare. “Do you even know how much this could affect Jaehyun?”

Taeyong clenches his fists at his side. In a span of a year, Joohyun seemed to have grown a few years older in appearance. Her chocolate brown hair became dull and lifeless, the edges thinning possibly due to stress. She also lost considerably a big amount of weight, making her frame seem frail and unstable. Looking at her up close though, Taeyong cannot help but to notice the slight change in her complexion and face structure. Her eyes now looked too dull and sunken with bags hanging lowly under her eyes, and for the first time, Taeyong can barely recognize her despite having similar sets of features.

His sister, he realizes, now feels like a drifting boat.

“I don’t care about Jaehyun—“

“Do you hear yourself, Taeyong?” Joohyun screeched. Taeyong tried to walk past her but she held firmly on his shoulders to keep him in place. “This will affect the two of you! Why do you always only think about yourself? Stop being selfish and act like a decent human being for once!”

Taeyong yanks her hands away from his shoulders. “Why do you always meddle? You know _nothing,”_ he tells her. Joohyun, for once, actually looked too taken aback to even form a coherent response. “You think I wanted to have a soulmate? You think I wanted to be tied down for the rest of my life? You don’t know how it feels because you’re not like us!”

He pushed past her in a hurry and makes his way into the foyer of their home. A few of their house helpers greeted them quietly as the two of them passed by. Joohyun remained on Taeyong’s heels, following him closely.

“Don’t do this, Yong _._ Please.”

Taeyong shakes his head vehemently. “I’ll do what I want.”

-

Taeyong quietly examined the people in front of him as food was being served. The Kim’s, he noticed, are all _very_ good looking people in addition to them being one of the wealthiest people within their city. He recognizes them from a few of the lifestyle magazines his mother usually reads, particularly Mr. Kim and his wife. Unlike them though, Taeyong’s family tend to stay more on the downside as they value their privacy.

Taeyong spares a glance at Joohyun and sees her staring at Kim Chungha. He lowers his gaze onto his plate and quietly thanks the waiter attending to him. “Thank you,” he says before turning back to the people at their table.

“How was Canada?” His father asks as he waits for his glass to be filled with white wine. “I heard from Dr. Kwon that you managed to purchase yet another property there?”

“Ah, you make it sound like I have an addiction,” Mr. Kim chuckled. “It was only a small vacation house, nothing too grand.”

“Well, it would be useful considering how you and your family visits Canada most of the time.”

“It’s because my daughter likes it there,” Mr. Kim turns to Chungha. “Right, Chungha?”

The young brunette smiled, her sharp features becoming more prominent. Taeyong spares her a glance as he takes a small sip on his tall glass of water, trying his best to show any interest in their conversation. She looks like a cat, he thinks.

His father turns to him. “You like Canada as well, don’t you, Taeyong?”

Taeyong quickly straightens in his seat. Joohyun side eyed him. “Uhm, yeah,” he cleared his throat. “I like it there, although I’ve only visited once.”

“Well, you’re going to have to get used to Canada from now on,” Mr. Kim smiled and pointed his fork at him. “We’re bringing you to our trips there from now on. Just so our Chungha can finally make new friends. Isn’t that right, Chungha?”

It wasn’t difficult for Taeyong to like Chungha. Truly, he really did genuinely like her. She is very kind and modest, yet still firm and strong. Her personality became a fresh breath for Taeyong, and he figured perhaps his father might have been right to set him up with her after all. She was a new experience for him, and he liked it. Having her as a friend made him somehow more relaxed.

On the other hand, Joohyun remained stoic. He doesn’t get why she’s so adamant in keeping Chungha away from him, or why she despises the idea of him admiring people other than Jaehyun. He sees no harm in it, anyway.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Chungha says as she admired the lake in front of them.

Taeyong pulls his coat tighter against his body, his eyes casted over the mountains of Canadian glaciers running along the horizon. “Mhm,” he says. “It’s nice.”

“This is one of my favorite places here, you know? It’s relaxing.” Chungha turns to him. “It removes my mind off things.”

“Like what?”

Chungha shrugged and turns back to stare at the azure waters. “Like soulmates? You know, trivial things like that.”

“Why?” Taeyong glances back at her. “Have you met yours yet? Are you worried?”

A shy smile formed along her lips, her head shaking slowly as she lets out a small chuckle escape from her throat. Taeyong’s forehead creased.

“No, I haven’t met them yet,” she says slowly. “Actually, I don’t have a soulmate mark.”

Taeyong’s eyes widened momentarily, taken aback by the small revelation. Chungha lowers her gaze onto her arms. “It’s weird, isn’t it? That I don’t have a mark,” she lets out a quiet sigh. Taeyong lets his eyes remain on her, his forehead creasing at the slight hint of regret in her voice. “It makes me sad at times.”

Taeyong wanted to ask why. Why should she be sad for not having a mark like most do? It is not something to be proud of. Yet, the more he gets to know her, the more he realizes that not all of them have the same principles in life.

“I’ve always been a firm believer of love, you know? Even back when I was a child, I always looked forward for the day when I meet my soulmate. But then,” Chungha shrugged her shoulders, glancing back at Taeyong with a small smile. “I realized I’ll never meet them, because I don’t have one.”

“Soulmates aren’t important, you know,” Taeyong tells her, his mind going back to Jaehyun for a split second. “It doesn’t matter if you have one or not.”

Chungha nods at him. “I know that, but it’s just…” she shrugged at him. “I always wonder how it feels to know that there is someone out there, waiting for you no matter what? That your existence is important enough to be chosen forever?”

Carefully, Taeyong reaches out to hold her hand. Chungha smiles and lets him do it, even if their skin both felt ice cold and harsh. “You don’t have to have a soulmate for that to happen.”

Chungha starts to caress the back of Taeyong’s hand with her thumb, gently tracing the veins running along underneath his skin. “What about you?” She asks, voice soft and quiet. “Do you have a soulmate?”

Taeyong clenched his jaw once. He wanted to deny it, to ignore the existence of Jaehyun’s name marked onto his skin. It reminded him of his own failure as a son, of how much of a failure he is not only to his father but also to himself.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says instead. He squeezed her hand once, twice. “There’s still plenty of chances for us.”

-

“Ah, look! It’s the talk of the town!” Jungwoo cackled as he swings his arm over Taeyong’s shoulders. “What’s up, Lee? Got anything to tell us?”

“Give him a break, Jungwoo.” Doyoung rolls his eyes at them, hugging his books closer to his chest as they walked along the hallways of their school building. He passed by Johnny Suh and sends him a nod, who only returned it after staring at Taeyong for a few seconds.

“Aw, c’mon! Seriously, Taeyong, what’s up? You’re dating someone now?”

Taeyong shrugs off Jungwoo’s arm around his shoulders and walked over to his locker. He shoves his almost empty backpack inside, grunting. “There’s nothing to tell, Kim.”

Doyoung raised an eyebrow, his recently dyed black hair already fading away, a few strands of his hair having a blue-ish tint to them. Jungwoo leans against the lockers, crossing his arms over his chest. “Oh, yeah? So, the news about you and Kim Chungha aren’t true, then?”

Taeyong sighs. He should have seen it coming. Their circle is small, and most of the time, news like these are bound to get leaked to almost everyone they know in a short amount of time. People tend to talk, and they sure do talk a lot. Taeyong’s family rarely get involved in such issues, hence why most are probably craving for the details from him.

“Why do you want to know, anyway?” Taeyong grumbled.

“Dude, this is some insider shit! If you’re really dating her, then good for you! I gotta say, though, I hope you told us beforehand.”

Doyoung elbowed Jungwoo. “Are you dumb? Why are you okay with this?”

Taeyong turns to him, an eyebrow raised. Doyoung catches his glare and swallows thickly, lowering his gaze onto the floor. Ever since Taeyong turned sixteen, his frame grew bigger and taller almost too instantly for the others to not notice. It only added to his mean and cold demeanor, making it harder for some to approach him at times.

“I’m just worried, Yong,” he tells him.

“No, you’re not,” he says. He sees Jungwoo uncomfortably shifting on his feet. “At least, not for me.”

Doyoung lifts back his gaze onto him. “Taeyong, you have a soulmate.”

“Enough with that already!” Taeyong says through gritted teeth. “I don’t _care_! I don’t care if I have a soulmate or not. I’ll do what I want, and no one can stop me from the choices I make.”

Doyoung did not answer. Instead, he stared at something—or rather, someone—behind Taeyong, his gaze full of guilt and pity. Taeyong turns back only to see Jaehyun with Johnny Suh and Nakamoto Yuta standing a few meters away from them. He met Jaehyun’s eyes for a split second before the brunette turned away, clutching his chest.

-

That was not the first time he noticed Jaehyun clutching his chest as though he’s in deep pain.

The second time he noticed it was during one English period. As much as possible, Taeyong tries his best to avoid making contact with Jaehyun on a daily basis. Ever since Sooyoung’s birthday party happened, he felt as though a new layer of barrier has been brought down in between the both of them. Jaehyun likes him and is willing to wait for him, but he wonders if any of it changed over the course of more than a year. Feelings fade eventually, and he hopes Jaehyun’s does (still, he cannot help but to feel a rush of grief every single time he thinks about Jaehyun finally turning his back on him, but he won’t admit that. He’ll never admit that).

Taeyong stared at his recently graded test paper, his fingers resting at the corner of his desk. He lifts his head up only to notice a particular brunette sitting by the wall two rows away from him.

Jaehyun wasn’t looking at his test paper, Taeyong noticed. Instead, he was clutching his chest with his right hand, crumpling his necktie in the process as he gripped the fabric of his dress shirt. Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows when he noticed his chest heaving, seeming as though he cannot breathe properly.

“Sir!” One of the students, Kun, raised his hand. He sat right next to Jaehyun. “I think he’s having trouble breathing!”

Jaehyun ended up having to be sent to the infirmary in the middle of the day. For some reason, Taeyong found himself anxiously waiting for the time to pass by, his knees repeatedly bouncing up and down under his desk as he waited for his classes to end. The image of Jaehyun struggling to catch his own breath and his face paler than usual somehow made his knees grow cold, and he feels as though a shard of glass is slowly being dragged across his chest. It made it hard for him to breathe as well.

“How is he?” He asks the nurse once he arrived at the infirmary.

“He’s fine, although we’re still looking into the reasons as to why he may be having chest pains.”

The nurse guided Taeyong into one of the infirmary’s beds. She slowly pushed the curtains aside and let him step into Jaehyun’s own area.

“Call me if you need anything,” she tells him before leaving the two of them alone.

Jaehyun looked different whilst sleeping, Taeyong noticed. Unlike when he is awake, Jaehyun looked more troubled during sleep as his forehead naturally furrowed together, his thin lips pursed into a straight line. Taeyong pulls the nearby chair next to his bed before sitting on it, his expression neutral.

He should not be here in the first place. In fact, he, himself, is not sure of the reason behind his sudden visit. He’s never particularly cared for Jaehyun, but today seemed different, especially after seeing him in such a distressed state.

Taeyong only knows a thing or two about his soulmate, but he knows Jaehyun is never the one to make a fuss over the littlest of things that doesn’t need attention. He’s always known him as someone who is completely carefree and unbothered—something he’s always envied when it comes to him. Seeing him showing any signs of stress or discomfort somehow troubled him, and the idea of Jaehyun showing more than what he’s used to is simply out of character for him.

Something must be terribly wrong.

Jaehyun stirred in his sleep, mumbling incoherently under his breath. Taeyong leaned in closer to his bed, contemplating whether to leave or not. Jaehyun does not have to know, anyway. Sighing, he stood up from his seat and turned his back against him.

“T-Taeyong?”

Taeyong’s body went rigid at the familiar voice.

“Taeyong, what are you doing here?”

Taeyong slowly turns back to him, his expression neutral. Jaehyun looks tired, he noticed. “Nothing,” he answers quietly. “I just happened to pass by.”

“Oh.”

There it is again. The familiar silence that tend to hang in the air whenever they try and patch things up. It stretched in the air like a thin rubber band.

Taeyong shifted his weight onto his other foot, a few strands of his hair hanging low against his eyes. “How… are you feeling?”

“Good,” Jaehyun manages a small smile, his eyes dull. “And you?”

“Good, too.”

For a while, there was nothing. Taeyong glanced at the small table beside Jaehyun’s bed, seeing his backpack and coat lying on top beside a small and empty vase.

“Taeyong?” Jaehyun calls to him again.

Taeyong turns to him without another word. He sees Jaehyun staring at the stark white ceiling of the infirmary, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed. Jaehyun lifts his arm and rested it over his eyes, his soulmate mark on full display.

Taeyong felt his eyes burn at the word. _Fervor._

“Is it true?” The brunette asked him. “About you having a girlfriend, I mean.”

Taeyong bit his lower lip, guilt creeping up to him. “It is,” he tells him quietly. “I’m dating someone.”

Jaehyun winced slightly, his lips turning into a frown. His other hand went up to clutch his chest, and Taeyong only watched as the former struggled to keep his breathing even.

“Jaehyun…” Taeyong tried to call out. “What’s wrong—“

Jaehyun removes his arm from his face and proceeded to stare at the ceiling once again. The corners of his eyes were brimmed with unshed tears, and the sight almost made Taeyong fall on his knees if it weren’t for the chair lying nearby.

It hurt seeing him hurt.

“Are you happy?” Jaehyun asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Taeyong does not miss a beat. “Yes.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun slowly closed his eyes, his hand still clutching his chest. Taeyong’s hand slowly fly up to his chest as well, feeling his faint heartbeat pulsate underneath his palm. “Okay…”

Taeyong lowers his gaze onto the floor. He wanted to apologize, to say he’s sorry for causing him pain. Perhaps, the others were right, maybe he really is making a wrong choice. Maybe he really is causing not only Jaehyun’s downfall but also his.

“Tell me I’ll be happy,” Jaehyun muttered. “Tell me I’ll be happy, Taeyong. That these will all pass.”

It sounded selfish. Taeyong knows it would be selfish of him if he did it, if he gave Jaehyun false hopes.

Yet, he’s always been selfish.

“You’ll be happy,” Taeyong repeats, voice quiet and thin. “You deserve to be happy, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun cannot seem to sense the truth in his words.

-

Sophomore year ended with Taeyong feeling troubled. There’s a dull ache in his chest and he cannot seem to know where it comes from.

It was snowing in Canada when the pain struck him again square in his chest. It was dull at first, a light throbbing sensation that silently pulsated against his skin. Then, it started to reverberate more intensely, as though a fist is repeatedly being dug into the caverns of his heart.

Chungha held his gloved hand, worry etched across her face. “Are you alright?”

Taeyong drew in a deep breath as he winced slightly from the pain. He waited for the pain to go away, but it didn’t. It never did. Instead, it only grew more and more painful the more he waited for it to pass by.

“Taeyong?”

“I’m fine,” he managed to croak out. He turns to Chungha and sends her a small smile to reassure her. “It’s just a bit of chest pains, nothing too serious.”

Chungha furrowed her eyebrows. “You’ve been getting them a lot these past few months. Have you tried going to the doctor to have it checked?”

Taeyong did not respond. He’s visited the doctor before, way too many times to even count on both hands. The deep feeling lodged within his chest never seemed to go away no matter how many medications he takes. Nothing seems to work on him, and he wondered if something much, much deeper has been causing it.

It all started after he visited Jaehyun when he was sent to their school’s infirmary.

“Don’t worry about me,” Taeyong squeezed Chungha’s hand once, twice. “I’m fine. It’s your birthday today, you should enjoy yourself.”

“If it gets worse, tell me immediately, okay? We’ll go and see a doctor, then.”

Taeyong repeatedly had to tell himself that it was not his fault as he laid on a hospital bed, a needle sticking through the back of his hand and connected to a bag of dextrose at the side of his bed.

“Sorry,” he muttered while Chungha’s father gently laid the covers on top of his shivering body. “You’re supposed to be celebrating Chungha’s birthday…”

Mr. Kim made a face at him and starts to ruffle his now clean cut hair. “It’s fine, bud. We can’t just leave you alone in that condition.”

“I still have more birthdays to come, anyway,” Chungha pulled a chair and sat beside Taeyong’s bed. She took his hand in hers and gently caressed his palm with her thumb. “What matters is that you’re fine.”

Taeyong closed his eyes and quietly thanked them. Then, the feeling of guilt slowly started to creep behind him once again. Guilt for staying. Guilt for knowing he’s only here to satisfy his growing need to please his father, and to conceal something much more than what he would like to admit.

Chungha is kind and more than anything he could ask for, but as time slowly ticked its way in between the two of them, the more he realizes just how much of a mistake he really did make.

Chungha is kind, but she is not Jaehyun.

When Taeyong got back to South Korea, the first thing he did was hide. No one knew what went wrong with him, or what happened after his short trip in Canada with the Kim’s, but he’s never been the same ever since. Chungha ended up not noticing his aloofness; she never does. Somehow, they are both starting to realize that the relationship they went into without much of a thought was a mistake on both their parts.

A faint knock is what snapped Taeyong out of his thoughts. “Yong?” Joohyun called out, her voice muffled from behind the door. “Are you in there? Can I come in?”

Taeyong stood up from the edge of his bed and makes his towards the door. When he opened it to see his sister, all he saw was a stranger.

Joohyun is different now, and Taeyong can barely recognize her at all.

Quietly, he steps aside and lets her enter his room before closing the door behind them. He remained standing by the doorway as he watched her look around the place, her eyes searching for something familiar, something that feels more like her little brother, because the past few years have been a struggle for the two of them to remain recognizable.

Taeyong is different now, and Joohyun can barely recognize him at all.

“You removed your superhero figurines?” Joohyun asks him, staring at the almost empty desk attached to the wall.

Taeyong nodded. “Yeah, I did.”

“Oh,” Joohyun glances back at the desk. “You don’t like them anymore?”

“I… grew tired of them.”

“Right.” Joohyun says, biting the inside of her cheek. She scans the room once more before sitting at the edge of Taeyong’s neatly made bed.

“What brings you here?” Taeyong turns away to drag the chair sitting by his desk along with him.

“Is there a need for me to explain?”

“Well, it’s just weird considering we rarely talk to each other now.”

“At least I’m not the one ignoring his sister.”

Taeyong raised an eyebrow, swiftly turning back to his sister. “Is that how you see it?”

“Isn’t that what you’re really trying to do?”

Taeyong lowers his gaze onto the floor. Truth is, he doesn’t know either. Somewhere along the phase of growing up, Taeyong found himself growing more and more distant from his sister, leaving Joohyun no choice but to sit idly and watch as he distanced himself from her.

Perhaps, Taeyong wanted to grow up, and in the process of growing up also came the inevitable want to discover yourself.

“If you’re here to lecture me again, then just leave, Joohyun.”

“I am. Leaving, I mean.”

Taeyong’s eyes widened momentarily, his mouth falling agape as he stared at her. Joohyun only sat in silence while she waited for his response.

“What do you mean _leaving_?”

“I’m leaving for college soon, Taeyong,” Joohyun sighed and lowered her head. “That’s why I came to talk to you.”

“You’re leaving me _here?_ ”

Joohyun leaned back slightly, taken aback by the sudden menace in Taeyong’s voice.

“Yong _,_ you know I’ll have to leave one way or another—“

“Not this soon!” Taeyong cried. “Not this soon. You’re leaving so soon…”

“Taeyong…”

“What about me? What will I do? You can’t leave me alone here, Joohyun. You have to take me with you, _please._ I hate it here!”

“You’ll still see me, Taeyong! Just… not as often as you used to…”

Taeyong ran a hand through his already disheveled hair, a few drops of tears escaping his eyes. He wiped them all with the back of his hand, the sudden idea of his older sister—his pillar, the person he looks up to the most—leaving him made everything seem so much harder to bear. “I can’t live without you…” He sobbed.

Joohyun stood up from the edge of the bed and made her way towards her brother. She wrapped her arms around Taeyong and rested his forehead on his shoulder, tears brimming at the sides of her eyes as well.

“You’ve already been living without me these past few years, Yong,” she whispered.

Taeyong covered his face with his palms. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice muffled. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me.”

Joohyun could only sigh.

Later that week, Taeyong had grown accustomed to the lingering presence accompanying him wherever he goes. He supposed the two of them are trying their hardest to make everything seem normal, although there are still times when Taeyong couldn’t help but to lock himself inside of his room.

Everything went downhill from there.

“Where are you going?” Joohyun asked her brother as she watched him leave his seat while the program is still on-going. Taeyong adjusted the tie hanging around his neck as he took a glance at the small stage in front.

“Bathroom,” he answered. “I’ll be back soon.”

The party was starting to get on his nerves, and he needed to leave the place as soon as he can. Still, he knows his father might crucify him for that; the only possible escape he could find is taking a short break in the rest rooms.

When he rounded up the corner, he felt the familiar burning sensatiom creeping up to his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe once again.

“Wait, Mingyu, maybe we should take this outside?”

Taeyong perked up, recognizing the voice as Jaehyun.

“Hm, but I like It here?”

He shut his eyes tightly, his whole body freezing and unable to move. The pain in his chest reverberated against his whole body and shot right through his stomach, taking away more oxygen from his lungs and making it harder for him to breathe. He rested his back onto the wall, feeling the tears that

were now slowly forming around his eyes. A few drops escaped and rolled down the tiled floor.

"What would your soulmate say if he finds out about us?”

Taeyong's forehead creased, the pain in his chest multiplying. He wanted the pain to stop.

"He wouldn't care," he heard Jaehyun say. "He never does."

That's not true, Taeyong wanted to protest. He let out a shaky breath, his lower lip trembling and numb. Why does it hurt? He wanted to make the pain stop, because it hurt, and he never liked being hurt, but how can he when he's brought it upon himself to suffer?

Taeyong remained leaning onto the wall even after the pain already subsided. He kept his head hung low, a few strands of his growing hair tickling the insides of his eyes. Still, he cannot seem to find himself caring. He waited for the voices to stop, waited for Jaehyun's voice to vanish, yet it seems as though fate is quite fond of playing with the two of them.

Jaehyun's feet grew cold the moment he saw Taeyong leaning against the wall. His grip on Mingyu's arm loosened, the smile on his lips falling as quickly as it formed.

"T-Taeyong?” He stammered, quickly letting go of Mingyu's arm. He takes a step forward, wondering why he's here. "What are you doing here?"

Taeyong lifted his head, gaze piercing through Jaehyun. "Am I not allowed?" He raised an eyebrow, voice rough. "I just wanted to use the rertroom, but you two were in the way."

"Sorry about that," Mingyu, Taeyong presumed as he stared at him from head to toe, scratched the back of his head. "You can use it now."

Taeyong clenched his jaw before latching himself off the wall. A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his head, his chest still aching terribly.

"Next time, make sure to get a room or something. It's disgusting having to hear all of that."

He quickly turned on his heels and began to walk away when he heard Jaehyun call for him.

"Why are you angry?"

Taeyong turns back to him. "I'm not angry."

"You are," Jaehyun pressed. "Why? What's gotten you so angry?"

Taeyong stared at Jaehyun for a few seconds. What has gotten him so aggravated so suddenly? He takes a look at the person standing behind Jaehyun.

"Are you waiting for a specific answer from me?" He tilted his head to the side. "Do you want me to tell you that I’m jealous or something? Are you still hung up on me, Jaehyun? Can't find your own happiness?"

Jaehyun bit his lower lip, his cheeks flushing deep red.

Taeyong shook his head in dismay. "I'm angry because I hate seeing you," he scoffed. "Happy now?"

“Taeyong—“

"Drop it, Jaehyun. You look pathetic."

Taeyong has had his fair share of mistakes.

And this, this might be his worst one yet. 

* * *

_“When you find your soulmate, you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been.”_

_Joohyun gently threaded her fingers into Taeyong’s shaggy hair, fixing the knots forming at the tips as she quietly spoke to him, a timid smile on her face. Taeyong sat on her lap, his growing limbs dangling in front of him while he played with his figurines._

_“Soulmate?” Taeyong tilted his head to the side. He took a small peek back at his sister, his round cheeks red from the cold. “What’s that?”_

_“She’s going to be your partner when you grow up!” Joohyun lightly pinched his cheek. “Just like Mama and Papa.”_

_“Oh,” the seven-year-old kid turned back to the figurine he’s holding. “Can I ask you a question, noona?”_

_“What is it?”_

_“Are boys allowed to be with other boys?”_

_Joohyun bit her lower lip and proceeded to continue threading her fingers into her little brother’s hair. Taeyong waited quietly for her response, his lips puckering._

_“Yes,” is all Joohyun told him. For a short while, a smile flourished onto Taeyong’s lips, his young mind rejoicing at the idea. He doesn’t know why, though. “But Papa… Papa might not like it.”_

_“Oh.”_

_Papa might not like it. Taeyong’s always remembered his sister’s words even after years have already gone by. When Taeyong met Jung Jaehyun, only then did he realize just how much of a burden the presence of his soulmate is. He’s never thought much of soulmates, not until he met his and saw his father’s distaste right before his eyes._

_He’s known of his father’s disappointment towards his sister for the longest time, and seeing the anger directed at him as well terrified him to no end, hence why seeing Jaehyun made him despise his own skin, and his own self._

_Solace, comfort and relief. It is what Jaehyun is supposed to be in his life, but all he could ever think of whenever he looks at him is his own letdown and shame as a son and as a person. Jaehyun reminds him of his own failures, of what his father sees him as._

_“A soulmateless daughter,” he heard his father once say. “and now a son who won’t be able to provide me an heir.”_

_“You know that’s not important!” He heard his mother exclaim._

_“We can’t have anything normal in this goddamned household.”_

_Taeyong wishes he never had to be the way he is. Perhaps, that way he would be more acceptable to his father’s eyes. Perhaps, he would still be the golden child of their family, the one who’s always been someone to be proud of, someone to look up to. Joohyun had always told him validation from other people have never been important, but he’s always known their father is not just a random person he can refer to as “other”._

_He is his father._

_And no matter how long time passes by, he knows he will always carry the burden of being a failure from within him._

_But what about him? Where does he position himself in a world where success can only be measured by satisfaction from other people? Where does he go, then?_

_“Go on, talk to him,” Joohyun urged while he continued to stare at the boy from the other side of the room. Jung Jaehyun gleefully chewed on his bread, his cheeks red and full. “I’m sure he’ll like it.”_

_But what about Papa? He wanted to ask. He stared at the small figurine resting on his lap, his fingers playing with its arms. Even at 11 years old, he still likes playing with them. This one might be his most favorite one, considering how his sister saved up extra money just to buy it for him. He wanted to share it to Jaehyun and let him play with it as well, but the thought of going up to him in such a public setting might get him into trouble with his father._

_And it’s wrong, he thinks quietly to himself. He’s a_ boy.

_Taeyong slowly shakes his head. “I don’t want to.”_

_“Why?” Joohyun furrowed her eyebrows at him. She caressed his arms gently. “He’s all alone, Yong. Go on, I’m sure he wants to talk to you, too.”_

_Taeyong shook his head once again. “No,” he said firmly. “I don’t like playing with him.”_

_Joohyun should have already known something’s wrong. She’s never experienced soulmate bonds herself, but she knows a thing or two about them; enough for her to notice the slight tension in between her brother and Jaehyun. Soulmates, most of the time, tend to stick together once they meet. The bond binding them together should keep them from drifting away from each other, and when one plans on turning away to love another person outside of their bond, the person at the other end might suffer greatly._

_Joohyun knows this enough for her to know that Taeyong might one day end up in immense pain. After all, she’s seen it happen to their mother firsthand._

_“What’s wrong, Mama?” She asked when she noticed her mother clutching her chest in deep pain._

_Her mother turns to her, the book in her hand falling limp on her lap. “I’m fine, baby,” she tells her. “Mama’s fine.”_

_Even from the start she already knew of their father’s infidelity. Taeyong, on the other hand, never understood her growing grudge for their father, but he never bothered to ask. He figured it wasn’t something he should be meddling with._

_“It’s Jaehyun’s birthday today, right?” Joohyun asked him one afternoon as they sat by a table in their backyard. Taeyong hummed in response as he quietly read a book. Joohyun sets down the cup of tea she’s been drinking. “How old is he now?”_

_“Thirteen.”_

_“Have you greeted him yet?”_

_Taeyong tears his eyes away from his book to look at his sister questioningly. Joohyun smiled sheepishly at him as she tucked a few strands of her hair at the back of her ears._

_“Do I have to?”_

_“Well, it would be rude not to.”_

_“I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind if I don’t send him a greeting, Joohyun.”_

_Joohyun sighed. “But he’s your soulmate.”_

_Taeyong raised an eyebrow. “And?”_

_Joohyun never really grew frustrated of his musings; she understands why he might be acting the way he is, but sometimes she cannot help but to wish for him to be a bit more considerate of Jaehyun._

_“Always be kind to others,” she’s never forgets to tell him. “Kindness will take you far.”_

_Still, Taeyong cannot see how that would be the case for him. He’s always been kind, he’s always tried to be kind, but his inner turmoils and desperation for validation had always been in the way. How can he be kind when all he sees whenever Jaehyun shows up is a part of himself he despises the most?_

_Maybe, that is why Joohyun is here. Maybe, just maybe, that is why he desperately needs her by his side, because he knows she’ll always be able to guide him to the path he’s always been searching for._

_He’ll never be able to survive without her. His pillar._

_“Taeyong?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“Promise me you’ll always be happy? Even when I’m gone?”_

_“What do you mean, Joohyun?”_

_“Just promise me.”_

_“I promise.”_

Taeyong stared at the framed photograph of his older sister staring right back at him, his suit a bit too tight around his shoulders. Ever since he’s turned 18, his body had grown much larger than what he has been accustomed to. He remembers the clothes his older sister gave him a few months back, all of which are now unable to properly fit him.

He clenched his fists at his sides. He should get rid of them already, it would probably the best idea for him to do, but he simply cannot find the will to do so. Those t-shirts, along with a few other things, are the only ones left for him that came from Joohyun.

He wouldn’t want to get rid of her presence in his life. He doesn’t want that. He’ll never do.

“My condolences…”

Taeyong turns to see Kim Chungha and her parents paying their respects in front of the shroud. It has almost been a year since he and Chungha broke up, and this must be the very first time he’s seen her outside of formal events. She looked better compared to the last time he saw her.

He wonders if he’ll be able to move on. Not from Chungha, no. He wonders if he’ll be able to move past this stage in his life, if he will be able to pick himself up from the ground just like how Joohyun used to do with him. He wonders, way too many times for him to count with both hands, if he will once again be able to look at himself in the mirror and not remember how his sister used to look like.

He sees his own reflection and remembers what Joohyun used to be. What Joohyun could have been. He sees himself and wonders if he’ll be able to stare back at his own eyes without seeing her over and over again. He wonders if there will come a time where he will be able to claim his own body once again now that all he can see aside from the engraved word on his inner arm is Joohyun.

“Taeyong,” Doyoung placed a hand on his shoulder, voice laced with concern. Taeyong does not move away from his spot, nor does he tear his gaze away from his sister’s photograph. “You should go home and rest for now. You’ve been here since yesterday morning.”

“I’m fine,” is all he says. “They need someone to look after noona.”

Doyoung sighed before glancing at Jungwoo, his eyebrows furrowing together. Jungwoo stared back at the abundance of flowers surrounding Joohyun’s framed photograph, eyes empty and searching.

“She wouldn’t want you to torture yourself like this, Yong…” He tells his friend. “You need to go home and rest.”

“I don’t want to leave her here.”

“I’m sure she’ll understand.”

For the first time in hours, Taeyong finally managed to remove his gaze away from his sister’s shroud. Without another word, he stood up from his seat and made his way towards the exit, feeling his muscles throb lightly with every step he took. He didn’t even bother trying to get permission from his parents; he knows they wouldn’t mind.

The color of grief, to his eyes, seemed to be a glowing shade of red. It wrapped around his vision like a glove, enveloping his surroundings with nothing but a pulsating color of red. It followed him until he reached the parking area, and even as he stood in front of his white car, all he could see is the color red.

Red is grief. Red is pain.

He wonders what he should do, now that he will never be able to see Joohyun ever again. He’s always depended on her, even when there had been a time where he refused to live with her presence due to his own concealed pain. Even then, she was there.

Now, what will become of him? In times like these, Joohyun has always been the one to comfort him, but who else will do that now that she’s gone? Where does Taeyong go from then?

“Taeyong…”

A familiar baritone snapped him out of his thoughts. Jaehyun stared at Taeyong’s back, his shaggy brown hair now parted and styled to reveal his forehead. He waited for the other to turn to him, to stare at him with his usual cold front, but all he received was a quiet sigh.

“What is it?” Taeyong lowered his head, still keeping his back onto Jaehyun. He didn’t even notice he was following him. “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to say my condolences,” Jaehyun slowly walked towards him, his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his black trench coat. “And I wanted to make sure you’re fine before you leave. Can you drive?”

Taeyong turned to him, eyes indignant. “Why do you care so much?”

Jaehyun did not answer, his lips pursing into a thin line as he let Taeyong slowly unravel before him. Taeyong can feel the pain slowly spilling out from the chamber he’s always so desperately sealed shut—years of grief and self loathing slowly building up only to betray him yet again.

“You…” Taeyong pointed a finger at him. “You always cared for me even when I didn’t want you to stay by my side. Even when I kept on pushing you away, you… You’re still here. Why can’t you let me go? Why do you always have to be here?”

Tears started to brim at the corners of his eyes, his lower lip trembling at the sudden wave of sorrow flowing through his veins. “Why… do you still choose to stay?”

“Because of you…” Jaehyun’s voice started to shake. “I choose to stay because of you.”

Taeyong shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”

“But I do.”

“No,” Taeyong continued to shake his head vehemently. “You don’t. You’ll leave me eventually. Everyone does. Even Joohyun!”

“Taeyong—“

“She said she’ll stay by my side,” Taeyong started to sob. He put both of his hands to cover the tears cascading down his cheeks, leaning against the hood of his car for support. Jaehyun took a small step forward. “She said she’ll never leave me, but she still did! How am I supposed to live now that she’s gone? She’s the only family I have and now she’s gone! She left me alone! She left me!”

Taeyong continued to sob into his palms, chest heaving up and down as he finally let out bits and pieces of what he’s been bottling up throughout the years. He can feel Joohyun’s embrace around him, can feel her quiet sighs and murmurs against his skin. He misses her.

If only he had known, he would have never let her leave.

“S-she didn’t even leave a note behind…” He muttered. “She just left! She left without saying goodbye!”

Jaehyun took another step towards Taeyong, then another one. Then, he’s got his arms wrapped around the latter just as fast as lightning strikes.

“Taeyong,” he calls to him softly. “I’ll always be here for you.”

Taeyong does not respond.

“I’ll never leave you.”

He cannot seem to find the energy to believe his words.

In the end, Jaehyun ended up having to drive him back to their home. They were quiet throughout the whole ride, and Taeyong felt thankful for the silence for once. He does not want to talk about what happened, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to talk about it ever again. The grief and loss he’s feeling for his sister will always be a part of him now, but he’ll never want to show them again. He will keep it all to himself in hopes of healing it through the passage of time.

Taeyong spared a swift glance at Jaehyun from the passenger’s seat, fiddling with his fingers in an attempt to calm his nerves. He doesn’t deserve Jaehyun, he thinks all to himself, he doesn’t deserve him at all.

Yet, he still found an unusual comfort in his presence, and for a short while he remembered Joohyun in him. His sister, no matter what, had always been there for him, and so was Jaehyun, even when he had refused to acknowledge his presence in his life, he still lingered and waited.

Taeyong clenched his fists. If only it were that easy to accept what had been brought upon them—the marks on their skin an evidence of what is supposedly a permanent strobe of light—then perhaps he wouldn’t have had to drag Jaehyun into his own doom. Perhaps, if only he had been more courageous like Joohyun, then loving Jaehyun wouldn’t have been so difficult to accept and come to terms with.

Fear still lingers deep from within him, and he’s never attempted to fight it away from himself. What would his father say?

He’s always managed to fail him over and over again, always managed to become the son he never wanted. What does that make of him, then? Where does he put himself when even the man he once respected now only sees him as someone who used to be his pride?

Only Joohyun accepted him. She was the only one who stayed by his side.

Taeyong tore his gaze away from Jaehyun and let out a quiet sigh, his shoulders sagging against the leather seat. He’s wrong, and he knows it well enough for him to realize. Joohyun wasn’t the only one who stayed.

Jaehyun had always been there. His solace.

“We’re here,” Jaehyun says after a while. He pulled up in front of the Lee’s house before turning to look at Taeyong. It was dark outside. “You’ll be fine by yourself, right? Or do you want me to accompany you inside?”

Taeyong slowly shook his head. “I’m fine,” is all he says before removing his seatbelt. Jaehyun nodded before biting his lower lip.

He wanted to say another word; wanted to say a thousand words all at once, yet he cannot seem to find his own voice. Taeyong turns to him, his hand gripping the door handle.

“Thank you, Jaehyun,” he said, letting Jaehyun’s name roll out of his tongue swiftly. It felt foreign saying it. “Sorry for the trouble. You should get going now. I’ll have one of our drivers take you back.”

“Wait,” Jaehyun reached out to grab Taeyong’s wrist. The latter furrowed his eyebrows and turned back to him, confusion evident in the way he stared at Jaehyun. “Are you sure you’ll be fine?”

“Yeah…”

Taeyong lowered his gaze onto Jaehyun’s hand wrapped around his left wrist. Quietly, and ever so gently, he pried away Jaehyun’s fingers from him and turned his hand over. Taeyong bit his lower lip just as he pushed away the fabric of Jaehyun’s coat to reveal more of his forearm. He stared at the word embedded on his soulmate’s skin.

_Fervor._

Taeyong lightly trailed his fingertip against his skin. “What is it?” Jaehyun asked.

Taeyong slowly shook his head. “Nothing,” he says, voice barely above a whisper. He turned to meet Jaehyun’s eyes. “It’s nothing.”

For the first time, he saw only Jaehyun as he gazed upon him, and not the person he’s always despised growing up. He saw someone that reminded him of what his life used to be when he was younger.

And just like Joohyun, he saw someone that gave him comfort.

Jaehyun swallowed thickly and slowly leaned in. Instinctively, Taeyong closed his eyes. When his lips parted to meet Jaehyun’s, he wondered if there would ever come a time when he will be brave enough to face the waves—if there will ever come a time when he will be as courageous as his sister, as strong as her. And Jaehyun, Jaehyun will always be there, but he wonders if the time will come for him to finally meet him eye to eye and be able to find only peace and comfort, and never fear.

Taeyong pulled away, shaking his head. “I’m sorry,” he said, refusing to meet Jaehyun’s eyes. He pushed the car door open with haste, “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I can’t do this.”

He is not brave enough, Taeyong realizes, as he proceeded to step outside the car, the warmth of Jaehyun’s kiss still lingering on his lips like the ghost of someone’s warmth. Jaehyun’s kiss still lingered on his lips, and only then did he realize that Jaehyun had always been with him.

Alas, he is not yet brave enough. He is never brave enough.

He hoped to see one day he’ll be brave enough to stay.

-

Cold.

The insides of his own apartment felt too cold for his liking. He stared at the flat screen TV hanging against the wall from across him, watching the blurred figures come and go in front of his eyes as he let the muffled sounds fill his own place with nothing but empty words.

It still felt cold.

Grunting, he stood up from his leathered couch and stretched his limbs on top of his head. Finals for the first semester recently just started for him, but the growing pile of school works he needed to do only made his drive to slowly die out. He wondered if he will ever get the hang of college life, knowing how the course he took up is not the one he originally planned on taking. Business Administration may have been the best choice for him as the sole heir to their company, but his own satisfaction will always stray away from what his family wants. He wonders if Joohyun would have let him take up a different course if she were still with him. Knowing her, she would have probably fought their parents just for him to acquire more freedom in his choices for college. He would have done the same now if only he wasn’t such a coward to begin with.

“This is boring…” He muttered to himself before making his way towards the kitchen. He approached the refrigerator and noticed a box of cake lying on the nearby counter with a note stuck to it. He walked over to it and silently read the note.

_“Happy Birthday, Yong! Sorry we couldn’t be with you this year. University sucks_ _L_ _see you soon! – Jungwoo and Doyoung”_

“Ah, right,” he said as he began to fumble with the ribbon tied around the box. “It’s my birthday.”

He lifted off the cover and saw a chocolate cake with a variety of fruits on top. A smile slowly broke out of his façade. At least someone else remembered.

Celebrating his birthday has never been that much of an event for him; it’s become more of an obligation for him every single year since his father had always made sure to hold grand parties everytime he turns a year older. He was quite glad he got to spend it alone this year. Although he misses his friends and school works are slowly piling up on him, the silence somehow still comforted him in ways it had never before.

Still, he misses his sister.

Sighing, he pulled out a clean knife from a drawer and cut a thin slice of cake for himself. He put it on a small plate before placing the cake back inside its box. He’s not particularly fond of cakes, but he wouldn’t want to waste food especially since it came from a friend of his. If only he had someone to share it with, then perhaps he wouldn’t have to pig out and consume everything on his own.

Instead of cakes, he prefers eating homemade meals prepared by his sister during his birthdays. Joohyun used to always surprise him with the breakfast she made every year, and although there had been a time where the two of them drifted apart for quite some time, her cookings never left. He can still smell the freshly baked bread and his favorite fried rice under his nose, as though she was still there with him.

He let out another sigh and took another small bite from his cake. After eating, he put the box inside his almost empty refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water from the freezer.

The rest of his day had been fairly boring. He received a few texts from his friends and family, but none of them made his mood lighter and better. He figured he should probably spend his time outside instead, but he knows he will only end up back inside his empty apartment after a few minutes. He doesn’t feel like going out.

Maybe the heavy burden resting on his shoulders contributed to his lack of will to do anything the past few months. After Joohyun had passed, the same lingering feeling of grief and remorse never really went away. It was as though they already became a part of him.

But what could the reason behind his guilt be?

He stared at his blank phone screen for a few more minutes, his back resting comfortably on the soft cushion of his couch. It was already dark outside when he realized just how long he had been doing nothing but stare at his phone.

It wasn’t as if he’s waiting for a text message from a particular someone—perhaps, it just felt odd not having to see even a single word from Jaehyun during his birthday. Jaehyun had always made sure to greet him whenever the time comes, hence why not being able to receive anything from him put a lingering feeling of doubt at the pit of his stomach.

“Weird,” he mumbled under his breath.

Not being able to do anything more other than stare at the wall, he decided to come out and go to the nearest convenience store from his apartment complex instead. Thankfully, it wasn’t that chilly outside.

He stared at the bottles of alcohol inside the freezer, contemplating whether to buy them or not. He has had a few drinks before during parties, but he’s never tried having them all on his own. Grown-ups always usually had to look after them whenever they tried a few of the adult drinks, but now that’s he’s old enough to drink them all by himself without getting into any trouble, he figured it wouldn’t be that bad. He will just have to drink them inside his apartment in case he gets drunk.

He opened the freezer and grabbed four bottles of soju.

“Taeyong?”

Taeyong jumped on his feet, almost dropping the alcohol drinks onto the floor. Jaehyun stared at him with wide eyes, his eyes trailing down to the soju bottles he’s holding.

“What the fuck…” Taeyong muttered slowly, taking in Jaehyun’s confused expression as he stared at him for a few seconds. “What are you doing here?”

Jaehyun shifted on his feet, the plastic bag he’s holding moving against his grip as he moved. Taeyong glanced at it questioningly.

“Uhm, I was actually headed to your apartment.”

Taeyong raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“It’s your birthday, right?”

Taeyong dropped his gaze onto the floor. He ignored Jaehyun and started to walk past him as his heartbeat started to accelerate with his presence. He doesn’t get why, though.

“Are you alone?” He heard Jaehyun ask from behind him. “You’re not with any of your friends?”

“Mm, yeah,” he muttered as he approached the counter. He set down the bottles in front and presented his ID. “It’s just me.”

“Have you eaten yet?”

Taeyong turns to glance at Jaehyun, shaking his head. Jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows at him. “You’re going to drink with an empty stomach?”

Taeyong shrugged before turning back to check his total. He takes out his wallet from the pocket of his jeans. “It’s fine. I can manage myself.”

“Do you want to eat, at least?”

Taeyong put down his card onto the counter before turning back to Jaehyun. “Why?”

Jaehyun held up the plastic bag he’s been holding. “I cooked for you.”

Taeyong does not know why he agreed with his offer, or why he even let him talk to him in the first place. After the small incident that happened almost a year ago during the funeral, he had been too ashamed to even try and reach out to Jaehyun whenever he felt the need to. Whilst walking down the cold and empty sidewalk in the middle of the night, Taeyong cannot help but to wonder what could possibly be wrong with him as he stared at Jaehyun’s back.

They have never been friends. After almost a decade of knowing each other, he has never bothered to get to know him more. He’s always viewed him as a threat, hence why his guard was always up whenever he’s around. Looking back at it now, though, he cannot help but to see just how great of a loss he has caused for the two of them.

He has had his fair share of mistakes, and perhaps being a coward is one of his greatest losses. If only he had listened to Joohyun, then. If only he was strong enough and brave enough.

“I hope you don’t mind me doing this for you,” Jaehyun smiles sheepishly as he takes out the food containers from the plastic bag. “I figured you would be alone for your birthday this year, so I decided to cook a few homemade dishes and pay you a visit. It’s hard not having someone over during your special day, you know? At least, having me around would be enough to keep you entertained, hopefully.”

Taeyong scanned the food laid out on his small dining table. “You cooked all of these for me?”

Jaehyun nodded. “I asked my mom for a few of her recipes. I know you probably miss eating homecooked meals since I usually see you around the campus eating instant noodles or just drinking a cup of coffee.”

Taeyong felt his cheeks heat up. “Uhm, I don’t know how to cook and takeouts are pretty expensive.”

“Well, at least tonight you’ll get to eat real food again,” Jaehyun chuckled. “If you ever need someone to cook for you, you can always contact me.”

Taeyong bit his lower lip. “Jaehyun?” He called, lifting his eyes to meet Jaehyun’s gaze. “Why are you doing this?”

Jaehyun let out a small smile. “Do I need to have a reason for that?”

Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows at him. “I… I’ve never been kind to you.”

“Well,” Jaehyun shrugged his shoulders and lowered his gaze onto the table. “That doesn’t have to mean I shouldn’t be kind to you, either. You’re still my soulmate, Taeyong.”

_Soulmate_. The word echoed over and over inside Taeyong’s head. It sounded foreign to him—as though the word had been long forgotten in his mind. Jaehyun flashed him a gentle smile.

“Happy birthday.”

Taeyong slowly let his hand clutch his chest, feeling the familiar dull ache return to him as they gazed upon each other.

He doesn’t deserve Jaehyun.

He lets out a sigh. “Thank you, Jaehyun.”

_Someday_ , he thinks, _I hope I’ll be brave enough for you._

* * *

“I wasn’t aware you like to smoke.”

Taeyong turns around, a stick of cigarette lodged in between his lips. He inhales a lungful of smoke before turning his back against Jaehyun once again, his hair swept to the side and falling slightly over his eyes.

Jaehyun walked over to where Taeyong stood, the heels of his neatly polished shoes clicking against the marbled floor of the overlooking balcony they’re in. His suit hung limply against his shoulders, although the cold still seeped into him under the late night.

“I don’t.” Taeyong said before taking in another puff of smoke.

Jaehyun hummed before resting his elbows onto the balustrade. “Then why are you smoking now?”

“Am I not allowed?” Taeyong groaned, the stick resting in between his fingers. He refused to meet Jaehyun’s gaze. “It takes my mind off of things.”

Jaehyun turned back to see the scenery in front of them, or the lack thereof. There was only darkness and nothing more.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Taeyong shook his head, emptying his lungs of smoke as he exhaled into the cold. “I’d rather freeze here than stay in that stupid party.”

Jaehyun glanced back inside the house, his vision a blur of bright lights and people chatting away with their lavish gowns and over the top jewelries that seemed to drip down their skin. He’s never been particularly fond of these types of social gatherings he and his family often attends to, but he knows he’s got no choice but to tail behind his parents unless he wants to get an earful. It’s already getting old and tiring.

“They keep on pestering me with our business and whatnot,” Taeyong scoffed. “As if I know anything about it? Send me to college under a business course and suddenly everyone expects for me to become a mogul like my father? I’m not even interested in business, fuck that.”

Jaehyun turns back to look at Taeyong, but all he sees is the latter staring angrily at the night sky as he blew out smoke from his mouth and nose. Jaehyun scrunched up his nose at him.

Their relationship, as he had noticed, had gone progressively better after Taeyong’s birthday. Although still aloof, Taeyong’s hostility towards him had dwindled down into quiet jabs here and there. He appreciated it, to say the least. He knows there are still unresolved issues between the two of them—deep rooted dilemmas that went way past their soulmate marks and more on the fact that Taeyong still refused to address his underlying issues. Jaehyun never complained about, still. He knows just how difficult the past few years have been to Taeyong.

The years have been difficult for the both of them.

“And all those insensitive fuckers even have the nerve to ask me about Joohyun like it’s not a big fucking deal. Who do they think they are, running their mouths like that?”

“They’ve always been like that.”

“I know, and I should already be used to it, but _fuck,”_ Taeyong took in another lungful of smoke before throwing the cigarette over the balcony. “all they want is gossip to chat about over tea time or some shit. They’re not concerned, it’s evident that they’re only thirsty for something to chat about, and apparently my sister’s death is interesting enough for them even after more than a year had passed since she left.”

Jaehyun sighed. “I don’t know why, but they always tend to gravitate towards your family when it comes to gossip.”

“The hell I care about that,” Taeyong rolled his eyes and turned to him. “Why? You know anything about my family?”

Jaehyun only shrugged. “I prefer not to answer that.”

Taeyong bit the insides of his cheek and lowered his gaze. “Did you know I have a step sibling?”

Jaehyun averted his gaze. “You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not comfortable.”

“So, you do know?” Taeyong raised an eyebrow at him. “Whatever. I’ll probably feel better I have someone to talk to about this.”

Taeyong shifted on his spot and adjusted the tie hanging around his neck. Jaehyun carefully removed the coat on his shoulders and gently put it on Taeyong when he noticed him slightly shivering. Taeyong flinched slightly but still let the thick clothing rest on his shoulders.

“I met him about a month ago. He’s a couple of years younger than me, I think? I forgot to ask.”

“How did you find him?”

“I didn’t,” Taeyong shrugged. “He found me, actually. Went to my building and asked me if we could talk over coffee. He said he wanted to ask a few questions, and so I said yes. He looked harmless, anyway.”

Jaehyun watched as Taeyong bit his lower lip. “How did you find out he was your brother?”

“He showed me a picture of him and my father. He said his mother died a few years after he was born, hence why he now lives with his aunt. He’s known about us for quite some time now, but he never really had the courage to introduce himself until Joohyun passed. He felt guilty for not being present while she was still alive, which is why now he wanted to at least get to know me.”

“Is it weird?” Jaehyun asked. “Meeting him, I mean. It must have been a shock to you.”

“Not really?” Taeyong tilted his head to the side. “I’ve always know that old man is hiding something under his sleeves. Joohyun had always hated his guts ever since we were younger, and I often hear my mother crying at night inside their room while father went out to God knows where. I figured he was fooling around, but I never thought he would have a child with a different woman.”

“Do you hate the kid for it?”

Taeyong shook his head. “No,” he said, “it’s not his fault our father’s a dickhead.”

Jaehyun managed to crack a smile, his eyes turning into crescent like the moon. Taeyong turns to him and raised an eyebrow. “How long have you known?”

“Uh, a few years ago? I didn’t know who he was, though. I just know there was _someone,”_ Jaehyun shrugged and scratched the back of his head. “I’ve heard a few gossips here and there, but I never really paid that much attention to them. I was busy.”

“Busy with what?”

“Uhm, school and therapy.”

Taeyong’s eyes widened momentarily. It took him a few seconds before he recovered. “You… went to therapy?”

Jaehyun nodded nonchalantly. “It was my father’s decision, not mine. You know how he is, being a doctor and all. I’m fine now, though.”

Taeyong lowered his gaze onto the balustrade. If he’s recalling it correctly, that would have been the time when he was still fooling around and dating Kim Chungha. He’s already known the effects his previous relationship had on them, but he never realized just how bad it could have been on Jaehyun’s side. If it was already painful enough for him to get hospitalized, then how much more for Jaehyun?

_Do you even know how much this could affect Jaehyun?_

Joohyun is right. She’s always been right. Looking back at it now, he cannot help but to ponder on his own mistakes and see just how much damage he has caused for the both of them. Wasted years and damaged perception of life—he wonders if he would ever get to reclaim the innocence he once had when all was still well. He cannot think of a time when everything was still fine, though. It seemed as though his life had always been like this—a plethora of pain and bottled up insecurities he cannot seem to get rid off. He was once ashamed of Jaehyun being his soulmate, and the feeling, although watered down to a dull ache now, still lingered at the pit of his stomach. His father’s words still haunted him in his sleep, and he wondered if Joohyun would have allowed him to shoulder all the pain if she were still alive.

He glanced back at Jaehyun and catches him staring at the dark night sky. There was nothing to see but the moon and the absence of stars.

If she were still around, she would have already helped him stand taller and braver, just like how he wants himself to be. She would have already supported him.

He wants to be brave, not only for Jaehyun and his sister, but most of all, he wants to be brave for himself, because he knows, above all the kindness he’s been taught to show, is also the presence of bravery. You have to be brave to be able to remain kind.

Joohyun is brave, and he wishes, much more than he would be willing to admit, that he was just as brave as her, as kind as her, because then, perhaps it wouldn’t have been too difficult for him to accept his own feelings. Perhaps, he wouldn’t have had to escape his fate.

And maybe, just maybe, Jaehyun is just as brave as Joohyun is kind. Jaehyun is just as brave.

“Do you want to go back inside?” Jaehyun turns back to him. “It’s getting cold.”

Taeyong glanced at the coat hanging on his shoulders, his cheeks tinged with red from the cold. He grabbed the fabric on his shoulders and yanked them off him. He handed the coat back to its owner.

“You can go back inside if you want to. I’ll stay here for a bit.”

Jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows and pushed the coat back towards Taeyong. “Then, I’ll stay here, too.”

Taeyong sighed before turning back to look at where the party is being held. He spotted his mother talking to a few acquaintances while his father quietly sipped on a glass of white champagne beside her. From a distance, his father caught his eyes.

A beat.

Then, there was nothing.

Taeyong had expected to feel a tinge of fear, but all there was that he could recognize was the presence of tiredness slowly seeping into his bones.

He hopes, just as he always does, he will soon be brave enough to battle the waves.

-

He hadn’t known the real feeling of anger up until he had the chance to finally face his father and see to him eye to eye, his bottled up anger slowly leaking out of its jar and along the crevices of his skin. He has always blamed himself for feeling like a failure, for not being like the son his father had ever so wanted to have, but the thought of him being a mere victim of his father’s own words never really crossed his mind until he finally had the courage to stand up on his own.

It was raining when it all came crashing down on him. He stared at the screen of his phone, his eyebrows furrowed slightly as he read his father’s message to him.

_“Come home. Now.”_

He wonders what it could have been for such urgency to be demanded from him. He has never had a good relationship with his father—he’s always preferred keeping in touch with his mother, since he knows she always understands. His father, on the other hand, had loomed over him and reminded him of his own flaws and shortcomings as a person and as a son.

Sometimes, he cannot help but to think of how Joohyun had probably made the right decision to leave. If Taeyong had the chance, he probably would have done the same thing. He hated feeling his father’s grip around his neck, and despite living with it for practically his whole lifetime, he still cannot seem to grow comfortable of the leash tied to him ever since he was born. If his only escape is to disappear, then he would have done it already.

Yet, at the same time, he knows Joohyun would never want that for him. She would want him to continue living, but sometimes the idea of life in general seemed too exhausting for him to bear.

He is starting to get tired—starting to lose his own definition of what family really is. The closest thing he’s gotten to comfort is Jaehyun’s lingering presence.

Taeyong parked his car in front of their house and stared at the tall columns by the entrance. He should feel any familiarity, or perhaps even just a tinge of longing, but the image of the home he grew up in seemed too foreign to his own eyes, like a distant memory he refuses to acknowledge.

The sound of his heels clicking down the tiled floor resonated throughout the foyer of their quiet home. He’s never noticed just how quiet the place is until he had the chance to live in it without Joohyun’s presence tagging alongside him wherever he goes. He remembers her soft voice in his ears, her constant nagging and quiet laughter. She had always filled the place with such comfort, and now Taeyong barely even remembers what comfort feels like.

“Mother,” he called once he sees her seating on one of their couches in the living room. “What’s wrong?”

His mother turned to him, a pained look in her eyes. Taeyong was about to walk up to him when he felt a pair of strong hands grab the collars of his dress shirt.

“How fucking dare you, you ungrateful bastard!”

Taeyong’s eyes widened as he met his father’s fiery gaze. He saw himself in those same pair of eyes, and fear quickly ran along his spine the moment he recognized what was about to happen.

“I gave you a home! I fed you and bathe you, and this is how you repay me?!”

Taeyong staggered backwards as he was pushed away harshly by his father. He didn’t understand his anger.

“How long are you planning on keeping this as a secret from us?” His father seethed with anger. “You think you can now do whatever the hell you want to do just because you are now living on your own?”

Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows and gently caressed his aching neck. “What are you even talking about?”

“Don’t act dumb with me!” His father pointed a finger at him. “When did you meet Jeno?”

A spark of flame slowly died out from within him. Taeyong thickly swallowed and glanced at his mother’s pained expression. She continued to sit on their couch, her body unmoving as she tried to conceal her emotions as much as she can. Thunder rolled from outside.

Taeyong turned back to his father. “How did you—“

“Answer my fucking question!”

Taeyong clenched his jaw repeatedly. “A few months ago…” He muttered.

“And you didn’t tell us?!”

“Darling,” he heard his mother desperately called out. “Please, don’t do this.”

His father ignored her. He grabbed Taeyong’s jaw in his hand and forced him to look at him dead in the eyes. Taeyong wanted to rip away from his touch, to look at anywhere but him. He hated seeing his father’s eyes, because they reminded him so much of Joohyun and himself.

“You think I wouldn’t notice the large amount of money missing from your account every month?” His father snarled. “I’m not dumb, Taeyong!”

Taeyong chose not to answer. Perhaps, if he decides to stay quiet the whole time, then things wouldn’t escalate.

“You’re going to stop meeting up with him and giving him money, you understand me?”

“I just wanted to help—“

“I don’t care! You’re not seeing him again!”

The grip on his jaw disappeared. Taeyong lowered his gaze onto the ground, his ears ringing. Was it bad to want to help his brother?

“You’re on thin ice, Lee Taeyong. Pull the same stunt again and I’ll make sure you’ll be left with nothing. You’ve already let me down enough, don’t try and act all high and mighty with me.”

Taeyong bit his lower lip, his fingers twitching at his sides. “Maybe this is why Joohyun left.”

He heard a gasp from his mother before he felt a sting jabbing at his left cheek, head forcefully turning to the other side as the sound of his father’s palm hitting his cheek resonated through the whole room. It was way too quiet.

“Don’t you ever mention your sister again!” His father said through gritted teeth.

Taeyong turns to him with a glare. “I’m right, aren’t I? She chose to leave because of you, and I don’t blame her at all!”

“Taeyong!” His mother cried out. “Don’t say that!”

“You think I don’t know?” Taeyong bit his lower lip and took a step backward. “All my life, I only knew of your disappointment towards her! You never cared for her! You treated her like a piece of wasted property as if having no soulmate is her biggest sin! You never treated her as your daughter!”

“How dare—“

“And now she’s gone, and yet you’re still here!”

His father’s eyes widened for a split seconds, his words cutting seemingly deep. Taeyong noticed something die inside those familiar set of eyes, yet instead of feeling guilty, he only felt relief.

“You were never once loyal to this family, and yet you still have the nerve to treat us like this? You even have the nerve to abandon Jeno like it’s his fault you decided to become unfaithful to this household?” Taeyong scoffed and shook his head. “Papa, I am no saint. I’ve never been as kind as Joohyun, but I still know kindness unlike you. You’ve never been good to us, and maybe that’s why all the people in your life chooses to leave you behind. I’ve always tried my best to please you. I wasted years, sacrificed my own happiness, and even hated myself just to satisfy you, but I’m tired. I don’t want to live like this anymore.”

When Taeyong met his father’s eyes, all he saw was a glistening pair and nothing more.

He doesn’t know how he managed to leave their house. He remembers feeling hurt, his chest constricting at the thought of finally being able to be brave enough for once. He wonders if Joohyun would be proud of him?

It probably would not be what she wanted, but she would still understand nonetheless. Taeyong wanted to escape the pain so badly, but letting go of it means also having to let go of Joohyun’s memory, and he doesn’t think he is ready for that yet. There is one thing he could do, though.

Taeyong stared at the building where Jaehyun is currently residing. It was a few minutes walk to their campus.

His relationship with Jaehyun isn’t perfect. It never was, and perhaps he blames himself for the most of it. All he did was to inflict on the both of them, but how was he supposed to act then when he was only a mere child who had everything stacked upon his shoulders so suddenly? He never wanted a soulmate, but even then he knew he had always yearned for one. Deep, deep down, when no one else is present but him, he always knew his young heart craved for something worthwhile. He feared the idea of being with Jaehyun the first time he met him, not because he never wanted a soulmate in the first place, but mainly because he knew his father would never approve of it.

_Papa wouldn’t like it._

Joohyun had always pushed him to try, to give him and Jaehyun a chance, but they were _so young and naïve,_ and Taeyong didn’t know how to handle his feelings with his young mind. He was _ten years old._ They were kids, and yet their fate was handed over to them like it wasn’t something to ponder on for the rest of their lives. It didn’t make sense for him to do the things that other people were expecting him to do.

It pained him.

But Jaehyun was hurting, as well, and perhaps that was what his biggest mistake was. He never thought of Jaehyun’s well-being with the choices he made. He grew up hating him because Jaehyun reminded him of his failures as a son, but he completely forgot to remind himself that Jaehyun did not choose to be in the same spot as him.

They were only kids.

Taeyong stared at the door leading to Jaehyun’s apartment, his hair damp from the heavy rain still pouring outside. Another clap of thunder rolled out, yet Taeyong barely flinched as he listened to his own heartbeat hammer in his ears.

It only took him a couple knocks and a few seconds of waiting before Jaehyun opened the door for him, confusion evident with the way his eyebrows furrowed together, as though seeing Taeyong in front of his place on his own is too good to be true. Taeyong wondered if Jaehyun was expecting a different visitor aside from him.

“Yong?” Jaehyun’s eyes widened as he took a closer look. “Your cheek is bruised…”

“Hey,” Taeyong bit his lower lip. “Can I come in?”

Jaehyun nodded before stepping aside to let him in. Taeyong removed his shoes by the doorway.

“What brought you here?” Jaehyun asks as he closed the door behind him. Taeyong glanced back to see him under the damp hair falling over his eyes. “It’s raining outside, you should have brought an umbrella with you. And what happened to your cheek?”

“My father found out about me sending money to Jeno.”

“Oh.”

There was a beat of heavy silence before Taeyong managed to speak again. “It got a bit out of hand,” he says quietly. “And I said some pretty nasty stuff, too.

Jaehyun sighed. “Are you hungry?”

Taeyong shrugged before following him to the kitchen. Over the months of talking and trying to differ the lines between friends and lovers, Jaehyun had managed to identify one thing that would probably never change once they finally figure everything out. Taeyong loves food, and he’s grown to learn that Taeyong would never pass up the opportunity to eat.

Jaehyun pulled out a plate. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Taeyong shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know,”

Jaehyun nodden and put the rest of pasta he made onto the plate. He handed it over to Taeyong who stared at it for a few seconds before picking up his fork. “Well, I’ll be here to listen in case you want to change your mind.” He tells him.

Taeyong thanked him quietly and started eating. While he was doing that, Jaehyun proceeded to wash the rest of his dishes.

Another thing that Jaehyun learned is that when it comes to Taeyong, it takes time. He has grown to live with that ever since the moment he knew who Taeyong is going to be in his life. It is always never easy for Taeyong to open up, he noticed, but he still does nonentheless. He just had to wait.

There are times when he cannot help but to ponder on the idea of where they could have already been by now if only reality wasn’t so harsh on them. He regrets not trying to help him when he clearly needed it, but he also knew Taeyong wouuld have never allowed to come anywhere near him back then. Still, they had both been a prominent figure in each other’s lives.

When Taeyong finally finished eating, Jaehyun handed him a glass of water before leaning on the kitchen counter behind him. “You still hungry?”

Taeyong shakes his head lightly. “No…”

“Do you want me to take care of your bruise?”

Taeyon shrugged. He barely felt it aching, anyway. He didn’t realize his cheek had bruised up until Jaehyun pointed it out to him. It doesn’t bother him as much as the thought of having to open up about what happened did.

Jaehyun walked over to a nearby cabinet and pulled out a small medical kit. Taeyong kept his eyes trained on the small table resting in front of him, his glass of water still untouched. Jaehyun swiftly glanced at him for a short moment before setting down the kit onto the table and pulling another vacant stool towards him. Taeyong tucked a few loose strands of hair behind his ear, and Jaehyun cannot help but to notice how much longer they have grown.

“Does your hair ever bother you?” He asks as he pulled out a small and clean towel from the kit. He stood up from his seat and headed towards the refrigerator, pulling out an ice tray just as Taeyong answered to him.

“I didn’t notice they were starting to grow longer,” he says, lightly running his fingertips throught the tips that fell just below his ears. “Why? You don’t like it?

Jaehyun smiled as he put a few pieces of ice onto the towel. “I do. It looks good on you. You’ve always had longer hair even when we were younger.”

“Yeah…” Taeyong trailed off. “But I cut them off during high school.”

“I remember.”

Jaehyun turned back to Taeyong and handed him the ice pack he made with the towel. Taeyong takes it with a quiet ‘thank you’ and gently presses it on his bruise, wincing slightly at the sudden sting.

“Does it hurt?” Jaehyun asked as he walked back to sit beside Taeyong.

Taeyongg shook his head. “Just a sting.”

“If you need bandages, I have a few clean ones here.”

“Mhm.”

Jaehyun stared at Taeyong for a few seconds, contemplating whether to ask him or not. Taeyong looked troubled as he sighed repeatedly all to himself, and it worried Jaehyun to no end. He wonders just how bad it got for Taeyong to suddenly come to his place without prior notice.

He’s always noticed the Lee’s aloofness, particularly Taeyong and Joohyun’s. He never thought of it too much when he was younger, thinking the two are not really that fond of socializing and big crowds, but he’s soon started to notice how they also act indifferent towards their father. As if he’s a stranger and nothing more.

“I hate him.”

Jaehyun’s eyes flickered to Taeyong. “Who?”

“My father.”

Jaehyun bit his lower lip. Taeyong lets out a sigh, his hands starting to shake on his lap. Jaehyun glanced at them, worry etched across his face.

“He’s just so… _bad.”_ Taeyong muttered. “He’s always been so controlling of Joohyun and I, and now he still hasn’t changed. It’s like he never learns!”

Taeyong’s lower lip started to tremble. Jaehyun shifted on his seat, angling his body to face Taeyong properly.

“He’s always seen us as an asset and nothing more. He never once given my sister the treatment she deserves just because she was born without a soulmate mark, and it makes me sick knowing how he got away with everything he did. He was never a father to us, and I’ll never see him as one.”

“Did he… hurt you physically?”

Taeyong shook his head. “No, he never did that,” he said. “Not to us at least, but there are times when I see my mother with random bruises on her arms and legs. I was too scared to ask where she got them, because if she does, then they might get worse. Sometimes, I… I still blame myself for not being brave enough to defend them.”

“Yong,” Jaehyun placed a hand on top of Taeyong’s knee. “It’s not your fault.”

A tear rolled down Taeyong’s cheek. It’s not his fault. “I know,” he muttered. “I know, but I was so scared, then. I was so scared of _him._ ”

“Why?”

“I don’t know…” Taeyong slowly shook his head. “I couldn’t even blame Joohyin for leaving, you know? When she left, a part of me wanted to do it, too. Maybe then I’ll finally be able to escape my father, but I know my sister wouldn’t want that for me.”

Jaehyun bit his lower lip and squeezed Taeyong’s knee gently, urging him to continue. Taeyong wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, not knowing how to continue. Words suddenly seemed too difficult for him to come by, but he needed to do it. He wanted to. He fears that if he lets this chance slip, then he would never be able to apologize ever again.

“Papa… Papa never liked you for me,” Taeyong lifted his gaze to meet Jaehyun’s eyes. “Did you know that?”

“I figured it out along the way,” Jaehyun shrugged. “But it’s fine. I don’t mind.”

Taeyong sighed. “He’s always made sure to remind me just how much of a disappoint me and Joohyun are just because our soulmates, or in my sister’s case, her lack thereof.” He glanced at the glass of water on the table in front of him, a few strands of his hair falling over his eyes and casting a shadow underneath. “I hated myself for having a soulmate that is a _boy_. I hated it.”

Jaehyun winced. He removed his hand on Taeyong’s knee and leaned back to his seat.

“I hated seeing you, because you remind me of what my father never wanted for his child. You reminded me of my first and only failure as a son.” Taeyong gritted his teeth as he refused to meet Jaehyun’s gaze. “I hated you and myself as well. I hated myself because I also know that deep down, I always knew I can’t and would not be able to let go of you.”

“Do you want to?” Jaehyun asked carefully, his voice low. “Let go of me, I mean.”

Taeyong turns back to him, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “No,” he whispered. “I don’t.”

Jaehyun closed his eyes for a moment, letting the silence wrap around them for the meantime. Taeyong remained quiet.

“Do you still blame yourself?” Jaehyun slowly opened his eyes. “Do you still hate yourself for it?”

Taeyong shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t know.”

Jaehyun sighed before slowly reaching out to cup Taeyong’s jaw in his hand. It felt rough underneath his palm. “Look at me,” he said. Taeyong willingly met his gaze. “It’s was not your fault. It never was.”

Taeyong’s lower lip trembled. “I hurt you…”

“It’s okay.”

Taeyong shook his head vigorously. “I don’t deserve you!”

“Taeyong—“

“I’m sorry!”

From outside, rain had finally came down to a quiet whisper, and as night slowly rolled around them, Taeyong found him muttering his apologies over and over again. I’m sorry for the years we have wasted, for the years I spent trying to hurt. I’m sorry for everything that I have done, and for my shortcomings that only did us more harm than good. I’m sorry for being selfish.

And throughout the whole night, Jaehyun’s arms were filled with warmth that he had always craved for.

_I can wait, Taeyong._

The years have been harsh, but they are just getting started.

* * *

**_2 years later._ **

****

Healing is never easy.

As Jaehyun stared at Taeyong from afar, he realized just how far they have come.

“Hey!” Taeyong approached him with a smile, carrying a bouquet of flowers with him. “Congratulations!”

Jaehyun raised an eyebrow. “I thought you wouldn’t be able to attend?”

“Well, I’m already here, aren’t I?” Taeyong rolled his eyes. “I missed the ceremony, but I have flowers to make up for it.”

Jaehyun made a face. “You missed my graduation! I need something more than flowers for you to make up for it.”

“What is it, then? Tell me, and I’ll give it to you.”

“A date.”

Taeyong glared at him, the smile on his lips disappearing as quick as it had formed. “I hate you.”

Jaehyun pouted. “It’s been two years…”

“Two years my ass! I’m not going on a date with you, Jae. Not yet.”

“Then, a kiss?”

Taeyong’s cheeks flushed deep with red. “Friends don’t kiss!”

Jaehyun let out a bark of laughter before pulling onto the fabric of his graduation toga to reveal his wrist. “But we’re _soulmates_!”

Taeyong glanced at the word inked permanently onto Jaehyun’s skin. _Fervor._

“No.”

“Taeyong!”

“I said no.”

“But you let me kiss you last time—“

“Jung Jaehyun!”

Taeyong turned away from him and started to march away, his whole face now burning from embarrassment. Jaehyun followed after him, a chuckle escaping his lips. He grabbed Taeyong’s wrist and turned him to face him.

“I’m kidding,” Jaehyun grinned. “But if you’d want to, then I’m not complaining.”

Taeyong raised an eyebrow. “You’re a loser.”

“But you love me?”

Taeyong did not answer. Instead, he raised his arm to let Jaehyun see the word inked permanently on the inside of his arm.

_Solace._

“I’m not going anywhere, Jae,” he said softly. “I’ll still be here tomorrow. We don’t have to rush.”

Jaehyun smiled.

Indeed, they have all the time in the world.


End file.
